i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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