I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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