No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
