That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
