And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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