I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
