i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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