Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She even gives head with a lisp.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
