We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
