I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
