Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
