Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
