did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
