I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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