I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
