I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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