It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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