i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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