just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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