Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
