I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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