i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
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I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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