i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
