Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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