Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
