She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
