Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
