Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
