Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
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Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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