My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
