Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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