Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
