My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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