He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
