I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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