Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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