There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
