Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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