The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
