anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
