and you said cock pushups were impossible
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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