he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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