If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
