Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
