at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
