Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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