My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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