I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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