my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
try to milk me bitch
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