stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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