i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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