I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
