my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
