Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
there is glitter all over my balls
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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