You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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