you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
